Just some thoughts

For some strange reason, I have a tendency to focus on the wrong people. Wait, it's not a strage reason at all...it's because I'm scared. See, I focus on and try to build friendships/relationships with people who aren't on the same wavelength as I am. But the people who understand me are the people that I put my guard up around. I think I do that because they will be able to see through all the walls, facades, and sarcasm that I have constructed around myself and made into the public Michelle. It's funny how you know exactly what you want, but when you're presented with it, you don't accept it. You restrain yourself. Or at least that's what I do. It's one of my many character flaws....It's been said that "you have not, because you ask not," but what happens when you ask and you get it, but you throw it away? Yeah....I don't know either, but I'm going to be real transparent right now: I made a decision that I didn't want to make, and that doesn't sit well with me. I don't know if it was the best decision, and past experiences have me wondering whether or not it will stick. And just between me, you, and the rest of the blogging world, I _______ _______ _ _____ __ __. Yeah.....

Do I and Why

I have some questions,
Maybe you can help me learn a new lesson....
Do I have "Sex Me" written on my face?
Why do you ignore my sweetness and grace?
Do I look like your personal doormat?
Wait, I forgot...women shouldn't say things like that.
I'm just wondering why,
Your hands always fall to my thighs.
You say you want to be friends
Yet you try to "get in the panties" again....AND AGAIN.
Why can't you see the intelligence behind my smile,
And that my sincerety alone makes me worthwhile?
I want to be more to you than just a release...
I want to be that place where all your worries cease.
Let me show you my potential and aspirations.
Let me be more than just a sweet sensation.
I don't know why you won't let me in,
Or why your only desire is to be with me in sin.
I was just wondering if you could tell my why, and Do I...

Eye-rolling, head-shaking behavior

Yes, I've been seriously neglecting my blog. No, it hasn't been on purpose. School, extracurriculars, family, and a couple of people have been consuming my life. Anyhoo, I've decided to start sharing some of the eye-rolling, head-shaking behavior that I witness in daily interactions with others......

1. People who claim to miss me, but don't even KNOW me, illicit an eye-roll. One friend in particular has taken to blurting out randomly (online or in a text) that he misses me. I've known him since high school, but we were never especially close then. We grew a LITTLE closer last school year, but not close enough to make a big difference. I really think he's one of those people who sees something he likes in me, so he believes he knows me....believe me, he doesn't. And it annoys the crap out of me to have someone claim to miss me when they don't even know me.....I refuse to get into the argument that people never really know each other...it's just pointless...

2. People who ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE USED CONTINUOUSLY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFIT TO THEMSELVES, illicit a head-shake. Lord, have mercy upon me! I'm the "mother" of almost every group of friends I have, or have ever had. That being said, whenever something's wrong I'M the one my friends cry to...literally. However, I'm going to have to stop this practice because people don't learn their lessons. It's one thing to be a fool for love, but something completely different to just be a FOOL! After having your heartbroken at least twice a month for the past four years, you should know that the person who's doing the heart-breaking does not have your best interests in mind!!! But some people never learn.....and they don't listen, so all you can do is shake your head and ignore the tears.

3. People who are shamelessly nosy just for their entertainment, illicit an eye-roll. I know a group of people who's sole purpose in life seems to be to know everyone's business. I don't understand it. Are their lives so boring that they have to insert themselves in other people's lives??? And the things they do to find out information are just ridiculous (sigh). People are just.....idk......idiots sometimes.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Don't worry, I'll be back soon to rant, rave, roll my eyes and shake my head.

My Chocolate Prince Charming

So. I've been thinking. And I've come to the conclusion that he's not out there. The man of my dreams is just that: the man of my DREAMS. He doesn't exist. He's not out there looking for or waiting on me. And since he doesn't exist, I think it's time for me to grow up and forget about my Chocolate Prince Charming. Wow. It feels kinda good to admit that. I'm not giving up on finding the right person for me, but I am giving up on that total package that I always wanted. That total package being: religious, intelligent, sweet, funny, family oriented, tall, kinda muscular, killer smile, sensuous eyes, nice hair, drug and alcohol free, and with little to no foul language slipping from that sweet mouth. Yep. I know. I was BEYOND ambitious with all of that. But it's what I thought was my total package. It may be A total package, but I don't believe it's mine. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I just took a look at my track record with guys, and by golly (yeah, I just said by golly) none of those guys came close. Either I've been settling, or what I THOUGHT was my total package was no such thing. As you can tell, I'm leaning towards that last option.....cus honestly, there's no way in the world that I could possibly say that I've settled (ok, so I know my female friends have someone in mind that they would say I settled for...that's not nice yall). I have been blessed to have had some downright GOOD MEN in my life....If they're so good, then why am I single, you ask? Well, just because they're GOOD, doesn't mean they're good for ME (at least that's what I tell myself).....And this train of thought didn't pop into my head randomly (although I am quite a random person). Bianca and I were chatting and she pointed out some simalarities between some of the males who used to be in my life....I had to agree with her. However, the one thing that I think separates them from each other is that all the qualities they have in common are improved upon in the next person......yep......my judgment gets better and better......

Yep....

So I've been gone for a minute. And this definitely isn't how I expected to return....but it can't be helped. So I was talking to a friend of mine just a minute ago.....he's pretty cool: laid back, funny (hilarious actually), intelligent, sweet, motivated, and, well, cool......anyway, he's always said that he doesn't trust females, and I believed him, but I didn't know just how much he doesn't trust us. After a convo on the love black women have for black men, we started talking about relationships in general (kinda sorta). And I realized just how much he distrusts women.....and I cried (for a couple of reasons). Yeah, a little dramatic, but I can't even describe how shocked I was by how much he's been hurt by women. I was speechless (and we ALL know I like to talk). We tend to have the mindset that men do all the hurting, but sadly, we women are more than capable of hurting men. I always get so frustrated when I learn that the reason why a guy has become a dog is because of a female. First, I'm frustrated that another woman has treated a guy so badly that he doesn't think love or a relationship is even worth the pain. Second, I'm frustrated that it seems like the guy is just giving up. That's the difference between men and women: most women don't give up on love....Oh we SAY we do, but we don't. My friends will remember that from about October 2007 to February 2008, I couldn't stand the thought of the word love. I hated love songs, and even started re-writing a couple of them to say some pretty "interesting" things. But I never really gave up on love. I still hoped that it was all worth it. I still believed that love would come through for me. I wish my friend believed that....The main point of this was to just kinda remind everyone that your actions change people's lives and outlooks.....be careful what you do........

IDK...

Well, I'm just sitting at work on this gorgeous Monday morning....wising I was back in my bed. Just had an early mornng conversation with a pretty cool person. So silly. But sweet. And seemingly sincere. Anyway, I went slightly MIA this weekend....I went to Carowinds Saturday with a pretty big group and had a pretty good time. After I got back, I was tired, but I couldn't go to sleep, so me and my home girl went to visit a new friend before I took her home. Another pretty cool person. Idk. I'm feeling kind of....iono....nonchalant I guess. And I really shouldn't be feeling like this. I'm still going through withdrawal from someone, someone else has disappointed and confused me again, then there are these two "pretty cool" people.

(sigh) I just really don't know. I guess the two new cool people are supposed to help me feel better, but I'm not sure if I need to feel better. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe some of what I'm going through is necessary for my growth. I've been advised to do me and actually let my heart do all the decision making. That's how I ended up in this place. Letting my heart control things. In the past, my heart has 1) Allowed me to forgive and continue to condone behavior that seriously hurt me 2) Allowed me to fall for someone who has the maturity level of a 13 year old 3) Allowed me to pursue things that my head knew would come to no good. My heart cannot be trusted with this situation that is so important. My heart doesn't analyze things nearly as much as it should before it allows me to act. In time, maybe I can let my heart have some freedom to lead me, but for right now, for my sanity and that of others, my mind needs to run the show.

Just To Let You Know

So much has been said.
Too much has been shared.
Things between us quickly grew mythical...
And just a little bit spiritual.
Our words may sound a little lyrical,
But we wanted the metaphors to be a little more literal.
Is it time to let it burn?
Was this just another lesson to learn?
(sigh) Who knows?
But just to let YOU know,
Everything was beautiful.
Nothing was taken for granted,
Even if this was just a sample.
It's a taste I can't help but savor
And I pray that it will linger.
This says so much,
But somehow, it's not enough.
Words are failing me again....
My mind refuses to be my friend...
Do I feel better? No.
But I really just had to let you know.

Summertime: Pt. 4

A screech of tires on an almost dry street. That's all some bystanders heard. "It happened so quickly." Good samaritans sprinting to the crushed metal that used to be a car. Trying to see if the occupant was ok. Policemen. Firemen. Paramedics. All trying to do their jobs. The police, directing traffic. The paramedics waiting....Waiting for the firemen to bring in the Jaws of Life....hoping it wouldn't turn out to be the Jaws of Death. As the top of car was pried away from its lower half, an unmoving figure slowly came into view. No one moved. Because the blood rushing from her forehead was much less disturbing than the look of pain on her face. After what seemed like hours, but was only seconds, the everyday heroes came back to life and went about the business of saving a life. And in the commotion that followed, the cell phone the woman held slipped from her grip and onto the floor of the car.

well

Not sure when I'll post again. Should be soon, but it might not be. Nothing else to say right now. Later.

Daydreams

I'm a daydreamer. But my daydreams aren't your typical daydreams. Mine don't magically appear in my mind, they're carefully planned out by yours truly. When I can't go to sleep I daydream. When I can't focus, I daydream to rededicate myself to the task at hand. When reality is a little too real, I quietly slip away deep into myself and make things happen in my daydreams. I guess my daydreams could be called fantasies, but they usually aren't very erotic or anything. I don't even think I want them to happen. I mean, it would be pretty cool if they DID happen, but who said life is supposed to be cool? I don't know. I guess I'm saying that my daydreams are stress related.....and I've been daydreaming a lot lately. I've been daydreaming so much lately that I look forward to lulls in my work load because they're an opportunity for me to daydream.....I yearn to go home and lay down for a nap, cus it gives me an excuse to daydream......I look forward to "bedtime" because although I'm sleepy, I know it will take a nice little daydream to send me into a deep slumber. Oh, and my daydreams must be complex, but true to life, and interesting...or I'll "throw" them away and have to start over. It's actually a very trying process. I must have the right daydream or else I won't be able to fall asleep or focus on anything else......

The point of that long rambling mess is that my daydreaming habit is starting to seem unhealthy....I'm shifting focus from something stressful that desperately needs to be resolved. And I'm doing it quite willingly. (SIGH) It's time to woman up, so to speak.

Summertime: Pt. 3

(Alex)

All I can do is shake my head at this point. That....that funny, incredibly intelligent, and outrageously cute woman has me completely speechless. Nothing about that conversation was really different from any other conversation with her, but just thinking about her in general makes me smile, laugh, and sigh...all at once. So naturally I have no words. But this situation is crazy. I'm torn between feeling guilty about having these feelings for my brother's girl, and wanting to just take her and run away from it all. Even Darrin. He's my brother, but we just met a few months ago. We get along as well as can be expected for two people who grew up never knowing the other existed. We laugh, perfect our Wii game, and play cards together. Darrin and I both love sports (baseball and basketball mostly), music (hip-hop, a lil' R&B, and some old school stuff), and our mamas. He just doesn't know about the other interest that we have in common: Robin. I swear, I never wanted it to be like this. In a way, I still don't. I met my brother that I never knew about, and a few months later I'm in love with his girl. Here I am trying to fit 21 years of life into as many conversations as I can with him during the day, and dreaming about the girl he loves at night. Robin is beyond smart, but she really doesn't have a clue about how much Darrin loves her. I mean, he and I talk. Not only about our histories, but about the present. And not a conversation goes by without her name popping out of his mouth in some form. I don't think he's noticed how I quickly steer the conversation from her. Or how I'm gone within five minutes when she walks in his room.....at least, I HOPE he hasn't......

Summertime: Pt. 2

(Robin)

That convo was pretty intense huh? That's how things are between Alex and me: INTENSE. And I love it....but I'm still not quite sure how things got to this point. One moment, I'm being introduced to this handsome brother by my homegirl, then, I find out that he's actually closely related to my boyfriend. At this point, I'm sure you're wondering how long our little affair has been going on. And I can't really argue with the use of the word "affair" because it really is one. Not a physical affair, but an emotional one. Me and Alex have never even held hands, yet as sure as I'm writing this, I've been cheating on my boyfriend with my heart. And that's the worst kind of cheating really. This sounds really cliche, but none of this was supposed to happen. My boyfriend's brother was not supposed to become my emotional lover. I mean really. If I'd had an inkling of how amazing Alex was, I would have slowly backed away from him, then broken out in an all out run. Because honestly, my boyfriend isn't that amazing. And being in close proximity to someone who is everything you want, but isn't the person you're with, is scary as hell. You tend to get caught up pretty quickly. A routine phone call to make sure that amazing person is still breathing, turns into a 6 hour talk fest about the past. A quick visit to a dorm room just to say hi turns into an all night music marathon, where you rap (badly) to your favorite beat. And the last situation is the worst. Especially since your boyfriend lives one floor above his amazing half-brother that you just spent the night with. Oh, did I mention that Alex, Darrin, and I all attend the same college?

Summertime Pt.1

"You're the one."
"Word."
"You're slow. But for real, you are."
"I know."
"Cocky are we?"
"Nope. Just confident in the love that I feel between us."
"So what are we gonna tell him???"
(sigh) "That, I DON'T know...."
"He loves you."
"I know that, too."
"So he would want you to be happy."
"Of course. With him."
"Dang."
"Yep......Let's just run away together."
"Uh huh. And where are we going?"
"Ummm....away."
"Away where?"
"........Cali."
"That's what you always say. If we WERE to run away, that's the first place he would look."
"True."
"So tell me where you REALLY want to go..."
"I want to go deep inside your heart...."
"You're already there."
"No. I want to go the place inside your heart that's so hidden that only God would be able to find me...."
"Getting poetic on me?"
"No.....getting real."
"Damn. You don't make things easy do you?"
"Anything that's easy to get, probably isn't worth having..."
"And you're definitely worth having."
"Naturally!"
(laughs) "So confident. So intriguing......So worth it."
(silence)
"SO. How are we gonna tell him?"

Summertime

Ok. So I'm reposting part of a previous post....it's the first installment of my short story "Summertime"....hmmm.....i'm not sure exactly how SHORT it's gonna be, but in any case, it will be interesting....

Family

This past weekend I went home with my sister and her two little girls (her hubby was workin as usual) for my mom's birthday. This has to be the first time that I've gone home and didn't get in an argument with anyone. It's not that we fight a lot. It's more that my parents have certain ideas/expectations of their daughters....and we don't always see eye to eye on them. But this weekend was pretty blissful (except for my sinus headaches). I miss being home. I miss being surrounded by people that I KNOW will always love and support me. I miss being in the safe, comfortable, and LOVING environment that my parents worked so hard to create for me and my sister.

We really have had a good life. I don't think there was ever a need that my parents didn't provide....or even a want that they didn't spoil us with. Yeah, my sister and I (and my nieces) are a tad spoiled. Don't get me wrong, we never got anything outrageous (we didn't ask)......But I suppose that's because my parents never emphasized expensive things. They always taught us to be well-dressed (doesn't necessarily mean glamorous or over-indulgent), well behaved, and to have good manners. But more than anything, they emphasized the importance of loving yourself and others, having high moral standards, and being respectful.

My mother is the sweetest person I know. Yeah, everyone says that about their mom, but I haven't met a person yet who doesn't agree with me. And I doubt if I ever will. She gives of herself to anyone who needs help; regardless of her own needs. If I grow up to be a FOURTH of the woman she is, I'll be a great person. She's the one who taught me and my sister compassion, unconditional love, and the value of hard work. She's just such a gentle and loving person. (sigh) I miss being near her everyday. It's always hard on me and my sister when we have to leave her again.....

My dad taught us everything my mom did, but he really emphasizes respect and hard work. My dad is a pastor so public appearance and behavior is important. I can honestly say that my dad behaves the same in public as he does at home: with intelligence, humor, and a nice amount of seriousness (I know there's another adjective that I could use instead of "seriousness" but I can't think of it). I love my daddy. I'm his namesake (no, his name isn't Michelle, it's Michael) and maybe that's why I have a good bit of his qualities. My dad didn't have the easiest childhood, but you really can't tell by looking at the man that he has become. He and I butt heads at times, but it's only because he really wants the best for me. A lot little girls want to marry someone who's just like their dad. I'm not sure that I want to marry someone exactly like my dad (that would be creepy), but maybe someone who embodies the same amount of love, strength, and dedication as my dad......

....Anyway, as soon as I pulled out of my parents' driveway, my sister whispered, "I miss my mommy." She's 26. And I've never heard her sound as innocent as she did at that moment in all of my 19 years of knowing her. I looked at her in the rearview (she was in the back with the kids) and said, "Me too." Then she said "I'm glad we have each other." I nodded. I'd been thinking the exact same thing. The next time I looked in the rearview she was crying. She quickly dried them up though. We're strong girls. Crying is accepted, but we don't do it too often. If only she knew how often I thanked God for her and teaared up at the idea of her not being here. I love and admire my big sister so much. We used to fight a lot when we were younger....not just arguing, but actual physical fights. And my parents would constantly tell us that we have to love, support, and help each other because if something were to happen to them, we would only have each other. I listened to them, but it was one of those instances where that information got pushed to the back of my list of things to do. But it happened anyway. My sister and I have been known to finish each other's sentences, look at each other and laugh when someone does something stupid, and just call each other silly names. She's my friend. Just because she's my sister doesn't mean that she has to be my friend...I know plenty of siblings who have little to no contact with each other.....I cherish my relationship with my sister so much.

I haven't even touched on my Granny or my nieces...I guess I'll do that at a later date. But I did come to a conclusion after my weekend home: I can't move too far away. I hate leaving my parents and they're only two hours away....what in the world would I do if I were across the country??

Update

It's been awhile since I've blogged, and my creative juices are already out of breath and I haven't really started yet! Anyway, I've decided to take a VERY brief hiatus from most of my friends. Not really a big deal. I just want some time to think about a few situations and the actions I should take in them. (SIGH) I've let so many things go unchecked for so long...like my feelings, how other people treat me, and how I treat other people. I can't do this anymore. Classes begin soon and with my course load, job, and extracurriculars, I'll be lucky if I can sneak in my typical 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night (I know it's not healthy, I'll try to do better). So the last thing I need is for my personal life to continue to be as screwed up as it has been. Some things can't be helped though.......

Like how people treat me. There are two people in particular that I really just want to go away. Seriously, I envision pushing them over a cliff and walking away smiling, dusting my hands off, and mentally patting myself on the back for a job well done! Well, maybe I don't actually want to send them to their deaths, but I do wish they would either put up or shut up so to speak. I mean really, how hard is it to decide whether you want to be in someone's life or not? Especially when you've had months to consider it.....I'm not even sure that I care what the answer is.....maybe that's because the answer is obvious. Hmm....I'm not really tired of waiting (I can be patient when absolutely necessary, you know, like when waiting for Christmas), it's more that I'm tired of the wishy-washiness. Come on people. Be honest with yourselves. Then you can be honest with me. This constant back and forth is not necessary, and it's emotionally draining (I use that phrase a lot...).

Wait, there goes the undecided calling the indecisive wishy-washy. Yep, there are some things going on with me that I can only attribute to a certain amount of wishy-washiness on my part. (sigh) Michelle asserts that it's not wishy-washiness, Mimi is screamin "UH HUH!!!".....The problem is that my feelings won't let me stick to my word. I know that my first decision is the right one; no matter what my feelings are. It's one of those "I'm doing it for the greater good" type of things. And no matter what the other party in this situation feels, they know that I'm right about this. Now we both just have to stick to it. Typically, I don't like moving backwards either, but it may be necessary......but I'm not sure it's possible. UGGH! I know I just reaffirmed my decision, so why am I already trying to find ways to get out of it??? Maybe boundaries should be drawn....NOPE. Crossing boundaries and testing limits is something I'm good at (see one of my previous posts) so that wouldn't work. Maybe this issue will resolve itself.....Don't you just love the land of Delusion that I live in?!

Shock.

Can't believe I just did that.
Can't believe it came to that.
I'm in shock.
Never thought it would hurt that much.
Never thought I would FEEL this much.
I hope I sounded braver than I felt.
This is the worst hand I've ever been dealt.
Dramatic? Always.
Overly dramatic? Not this time.
My head hurts.
It's been hurting since I realized what I had to do.

I can't even finish this. Later.

Nothing to worry about

I worry a lot. Too much. And this is starting to feel like a potential regret situation. Not regret that it happened. NEVER that. It's too good to regret. But regret about the consequences of my (past, present, and potential) actions. And I know I'm sounding hypocritical to you.....but it can't be helped. (sigh)I don't know. I don't know if I can live with the repercussions. The question is, which is easier to live with: The repercussions, or wondering what could have been? Hmmm......No comment is necessary.....we know that my mind will change......

I know!

Well, I've decided that that little dialogue in the last post is the first installment of my story (I guess I can call it a story) "Summertime" . The main characters are Robin and Alex. The concept that's floating around in my mind right now is pretty self-explanatory, so I don't think I really need to set the story up right now..........

UMMMMMMM

Not really sure what to write. It's been a minute since I've written, and I feel like a neglectful parent.....my poor blog. But I really couldn't write anything that felt RIGHT....so I'd rather be neglectful than give my blog less than my best...............Hmmm....I thought that explaining that would free up my mind to actually RELEASE all the emotions, thoughts, and expletives (ha!) that are taking up entirely too much space in there....No such luck though.................................................



"You're the one."
"Word."
"You're slow. But for real, you are."
"I know."
"Cocky are we?"
"Nope. Just confident in the love that I feel between us."
"So what are we gonna tell him???"
(sigh) "That, I DON'T know...."
"He loves you."
"I know that, too."
"So he would want you to be happy."
"Of course. With him."
"Dang."
"Yep......Let's just run away together."
"Uh huh. And where are we going?"
"Ummm....away."
"Away where?"
"........Cali."
"That's what you always say. If we WERE to run away, that's the first place he would look."
"True."
"So tell me where you REALLY want to go..."
"I want to go deep inside your heart...."
"You're already there."
"No. I want to go the place inside your heart that's so hidden that only God would be able to find me...."
"Getting poetic on me?"
"No.....getting real."
"Damn. You don't make things easy do you?"
"Anything that's easy to get, probably isn't worth having..."
"And you're definitely worth having."
"Naturally!"
(laughs) "So confident. So intriguing......So worth it."
(silence)
"SO. How are we gonna tell him?"


I don't really know WHERE that came from.......I'm not even sure what to call it.......is it fact or fiction?.......hmmm.....let's just say it's true-to-life fiction......I like it though.....I think I'll do a little more later.....

Damaged Goods

A lot of people know some vague details about my last relationship. But very few know any specifics. Actually, he and I are the only ones who know what really happened...as far as I know. That relationship was one of the most wonderful and traumatic experiences of my life. In Common's "The Light," he says, "I wanna be the one who makes you happiest, and hurts you the most." And that's certainly what my ex was. But before he was my ex, or even my boyfriend, he was my friend. One of my very best. I relied on him in a way that I had never relied on anyone before. I told him everything. Good or bad. And there was a good bit of bad. But he was just this extremely understanding person; I really couldn't help falling for him. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would still become friends with him. That's a given. But the jury is still out as to whether or not I would date him. How our relationship ended has kind of clouded the friendship that we once we had. And that saddens me more than anything. His friendship was just that important to me. And in turn, it has made me fearful.

I have a lot of wonderful friendships with some wonderful guys. And when I say wonderful, I mean wonderful. The type I could take home to my preacher of a daddy and QUICKLY get approval of. The type that I'm confident would blend into my whole life so well that it would be hard to remember how things were if he wasn't there. However, I'm so afraid of giving up a friendship that is pretty special, taking it to the relationship level, then it ending so badly that that good friendship is almost nonexistent. That seriously scares the hell out of me. And maybe it seems like I'm overreacting about my last relationship, but you really don't know everything that went down; everything that was tied into into it. I revisited that relationship today. And it overwhelmed me. All of the joy and pain tied into it.....And no matter how much I thrive off of relationships, and how good I am in them (cus i am good for the most part), I'm still afraid of ruining yet another good friendship. I've come to realize that for right now, I'm damaged goods.

good

SO. It turns out that my little Trackstar has been very busy.....reading my blog! lol. But it's cool. I'm glad he did, because he would never have listened to any of that coming directly from me! I feel good about everything right now. I'm trying to do the whole no regrets thing, and right about now, I'm not feeling any. Of course, I still have some WISHES, but that can't be helped. The most important thing is that I'm not regretting any words that I've said, decisions that I've made, or actions I have taken. And that's highly unusual for me. I usually do the whole, "Why in the world did I do that??" type of thing. But I'm choosing not to do that anymore. Everything I do or say was already destined to happen....and it's also destined to help me get to whatever place in my life it is that I need to be at. Regret means that you don't feel that you used very good judgment in a situation. And I always want to know that I handled a situation in the very best manner that I could have. This hasn't been true in my past, but I'm trying to make it true for my present and my future.

I'm feeling quite peaceful right now........It's gonna be a good day.

Half Crazy

I knew the song existed. I mean, I first heard Musiq's "Half Crazy" forever and a day ago....it's on my mp3 player and everything. But somehow, when I was trying to figure out what song my current situation reminds me of, I couldn't remember....Now I remember. "Half Crazy." This song epitomizes my fears about this situation. Oh God.......No one except people who have dated me knows just how easy it is for me to screw a relationship up. Not by doing the typical stuff (cheating, lying, flirting too much, being inattentive), I mess relationships up by caring too much. And yes, caring too much CAN be a problem. Especially when the person you're caring about isn't able to show it in the same manner you do. I will admit that some of the people I've cared about didn't care about me the same way I cared about them. But hey, I'm young. That's the kind of crap that happens to most of us young people on a pretty regular basis. I can also admit that ther have been people who have cared about me a great deal, but I didn't feel the same way about them. You really can't help how you feel about someone, which is why I've chosen not to be angry or bitter about the people who didn't care about ME as much as I did about THEM.

Yeah, that was kinda confusing, but I'm complicated like that :-)! Anyway, in my experience, wheneer you first start talking to someone, everything is really good because you're learning about each other and trying to put your best foot forward. But if things click between you, feelings begin to develop. And that's where the problems begin. Feelings make things so much more complicated than they have to be. Feelings can make you bite your tongue, or make you start telling EVERYTHING. That easygoing feeling you once had, has changed....it's been replaced by love, concern, worry, anger, possibly jealousy, and conflict caused by miscommunication. I'm not sure I'm ready to go there again. I don't want to ruin an excellent friendship trying to find a good relationship. Patience is what I need....where I'm going to find it; well, that's another story....

I'm so tired of this

I'm at work texting my homegirl. Before I begin this story, I wanna talk about her for a minute. She's my roommate for next semester, so she'll be mentioned a lot on here. She is one of the realest, smartest, sweetest, and happiest people I know. She has MORE than her share of problems surrounding her, but she always rises above and beyond them. And I respect, admire, and love her for that.

Anyway, we're texting about Trackstar....who happens to be related to her. Apparently his little brother told her that he deleted my number from his phone. I had to laugh. He's a couple of months younger than me, but I didn't know he was still on his high school game!! Anyway, I told her that if that's what he wants, it's more than cool with me, but he's gonna regret it later. She replied, "Gurl, you're crazy!" I'm really not. I'm dead serious. And before you even think it, I AM NOT COCKY. I'm mildly confident, but that doesn't have anything to do with this. They just ALWAYS regret it. It NEVER fails. Every person I've ever dated (even the ones from MIDDLE SCHOOL) has come back. Or tried to. And Trackstar already has a bad habit of saying he doesn't want to talk to me "LIKE THAT" anymore, and then retracting that statement after 2 or 3 days. It's emotionally draining. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the little boys in men's bodies.

I was talking to my sister and her friend (my sister's 25 and her friend is like 30) and we came to the conclusion that most of the guys my age will still be playing these little boy games when they're 30. This conclusion is based on the FACT that a lot of the men who are currently around the age of 30 are STILL playing those same games. This is so disheartening for a good majority of females my age. There are some females who don't partcularly mind the games that guys play, either because they play the same games, or they're hoping that the guys will grow up soon. And I applaud them for being able to accept these guys and their games. But ME. Well, I feel that if I can be dedicated and honest, then I deserve someone who can reciprocate that. Plain and simple. My parents always told me that no one should ever just "settle" for any old thing. Everyone deserves the best. Sadly, some people either don't believe they deserve it, or that they will ever find it. I know that my "best" is out there. And I think I had it once upon a time, but my "best" wasn't at it's best yet. Anyway, I've been officially single for awhile (since October), and while it does get a little lonely (it actually starts to piss me off sometimes), I would rather be lonely, than deal with a bunch of bull from some male who has his own agenda that does not include being a dedicated, honest man. I don't deserve that, so I'm not going to settle for it.

Crazy Blind

Obviously, you're crazy.
Certifiably insane.
One moment you're screamin at me,
The next, you're callin my name.
Maybe you think I'm stupid,
Sorry sweetheart,
I no longer believe in Cupid.
Cus I see straight into your fickle heart;
You never knew what you wanted.
I shoulda seen it from the start.
You'd take one step forward, then one back.
But silly me,
I thought that holding your hand could change all that.
The truth is,
You like being the way you are.
But by only reaching for Mt. Everest,
You'll never land among the stars.
So for now, this is where the road ends.
No more looking back
And analyzing all our sins.
I'm choosing what's best for me.
Because honestly,
My worth is something you will never be able to see.

Always Use Protection

Sweet nothings whispered in my ear
I relinquished my hold on reality with no fear.
Got sucked into that vortex.
Wondering once again, "What next?"
"Snap back to reality"
Was he really feeling me?
Did that just happen?
Did I really just let him back in?
Not into ME, but into my world,
Giving hope back to this eager girl.
I don't THINK I did.
Because I know exactly what he has to give.
And scraps are not enough for me.
I want the whole feast.
So until you can give me that,
Always remember this fact:
When dealing with my affection,
Always use protection.

Yeah, It's Mine To Tell

I really should be in bed....getting some much needed rest, and getting my mind right for church in a few hours. But there's too much on my heart right now. Too many old memories and questions resurfacing.....for no good reason at that. But I must deal with them.

I'm not gonna lie: sometimes I miss us. I miss the days when you were different. When I got to see a side of you that is always there, but most people overlook. A side that I like to think was just for me. We were so close. There was such a connection that was oh-so-visible, even to those who didn't want us together, or didn't believe we would stay together. But it was there. There's no doubt about it. It was there. I try to tell myself that it was imagined, or that it was just a performance. But in my heart, I know it was real. Which makes this all the more painful. And confusing. To see such a wonderful gift tossed aside, like it was nothing. Like it didn't matter. Like it was TRASH. And for what? To satisfy those primal urges? Oh wait, that was included in that wonderful gift. To allow for freedom? Oh wait, there was an abundance of freedom in that wonderful gift. To appease associates? Wait, I thought that because we had that wonderful gift, the thoughts, words, and actions of others were of little consequence to us. Was I really that wrong? Is my judgment so off, that I created this fantasy where you loved me, and I loved you...and there was no sweeter feeling than just falling asleep by your side? Was I really that wrong? Is my heart so defective that it pleasantly raced at the mere mention of your name? Was I really so wrong? Is my mind so overworked that what it believes is a logical equation (you + me = heaven on earth), is really completely irrational and couldn't possibly exist? You tell me. I want to know. It seems nearly impossible for so many parts of me to malfunction in such a way, all at once.....so it must be YOU.

I know my heart. I know my mind. I know my soul. It seems that you don't. And I pity you. And I will pray for you. But I will no longer cry for you. I can't. Because the tears are blurring the vision of something that has the potential of becoming so beautiful. I want to see that something. I NEED to see that something.

I really don't know.

Ever since childhood, my dad has always said that I was going to be the type of person who would have to "touch the stove and get burned, to see if it's hot". And I have to agree. I'm always testing limits. Boundaries. Continuously pushing until I get exactly what I was asking for....which usually does not turn out to be at all what I expected, much less wanted. Tonight I pushed in two different directions. On the left was a brick wall that I hit so hard I nearly cried from mere shock that it was actually a wall. You know the type of wall: the kind that looks like it's one of those endless roads, but it turns out that someone has merely painted a brick wall...to trick you. And hurt you. I actually expected the other direction to include a rubber wall, where I could constantly keep bouncing back and forth. But surprisingly (pleasantly, I might add), that wall gave a little. And I'm certain that if I keep pushing, it will continue to do so, until it finally gives way completely, and allows me to see what lies behind it. Given my predisposition to "hard-headedness", it would seem completely plausible for people to believe that I would continue to run into that brick wall until I either give up in sad defeat, or kill myself from overexerting my heart. However, I don't want to do that. I really don't. I don't have a death wish, no matter what my actions may lead people to believe.

I have a LIFE wish.

I've been thinking about my life a whole lot lately: what I need to be doing, what I want to do, and how to accomplish those things. The one thing that comes up in the present and future tense, is being happy. I have many reasons to be happy, however, I can only claim to being mildly content. And I'm tired of it. All that remains to be seen now, is what I'm going to do about it. Once I decide what I'm going to do, I won't let ANYONE prevent me from finding and KEEPING that happiness, whether they are a part of my past or present.

This night.

This night.
Filled with emotions and expectations.
I'm thrown into a new situation.
With brand new sensations.
Quick glances.
Silent advances.
Ice cold thoughts.
A battle of love,
waiting to be fought.
Holding my tongue.
Losing the oxygen in my lungs.
I gasp.
Trying to regain composure.
And seeking complete closure.
Pulled in different directions.
One unknown,
But which will certainly lead to affection.
I turned my head.
And had no choice but to follow
Where my feet led.
So torn inside.
I walk back out
Into....This night.

......

Me + late at night = a "bad" combination of realness and silliness that tends to get me in trouble. Once again, I stayed up late talkin to DIP about nothin really important. I had plenty of constructive things that I needed to do to get ready for this (hopefully awesome) weekend, but I decided to procrastinate by watching old music videos on YouTube and talking to DIP. I got to show off some of my rapping skills, proving that I really AM a G (hahahahaha, yeah right). DIP and I got into dangerous territory though. Luckily, we both handled it like the G's that we are. DIP is definitely one of kind. And while Lupe is husband material......(DIP knows what should go here)......

Well, I'm about to go talk to the cute little First-Years about why my institution of higher learning is freakishly awesome. More later.......

Goodbye......Hello

Quite a bit has been going on in my life. Too much, in fact. There are so many people coming and going, that my head is constantly turning to see who's going to leave me, or step in for a minute. I guess I'll start with the most recent person who has decided to step out of my life. I guess he was one of those "season" people. You know, the people who come into your life for a short while to teach you something. I'll call him my 'Trackstar". I "met" him in December, but didn't really start talking to him until mid-January. He was a sweetie. He was attentive, funny, and intelligent. And he was a welcome distraction. Yeah, I just admitted to using him as a distraction. (I might talk about what he was distracting me from....but then again....) Anyway, somehow, I became attached to him. I don't know how it happened. I didn't really WANT it to happen, but it did. And it felt good. For the little while it lasted. To shorten this kinda long story, he's leaving the state, and I guess my life for awhile. I don't know. He has issues with telling me things that he knows will bother me, so details are scarce for the moment. But in any case, I doubt if my Trackstar will ever actually see this, but just know that I owe you a lot. You taught me so much about myself without even meaning to. I love you dude. lol. But no, seriously, I do. And you will always have a special place in my heart and mind.

Now, this person who has entered my life, has been here for awhile. I've known him for a few months.....he started out as the friend of a friend, but now he's MINE lol. I think I'll call him "DIP" (for Dangerous Intriguing and Pleasing). We have so much in common. So much to talk about, laugh about, and whine about lol. Our friendship is also kinda unexpected. And on the surface, it's legitimate, but beneath the surface, OH BOY....if anyone really knew.....wow.....lol. I'm being a little dramatic....but not by much. I really don't want to say a lot on this because there's SO much to say, but I felt it was necessary to bring it up right now. And I know DIP understands. Don't you? lol......"I guess I'll see you next lifetime......"

I'm tired of talking about this now, it's emotionally draining.....Part Two of "Goodbye.......Hello" coming soon.

First Time

No, the title of this blog does not have anything to do with......well, you know (sorry to disappoint ya'll). Instead, it's about my first time blogging. I'm starting this blog out of frustration. As my Dougie so accurately pointed out, since writing is one of my strong points, I should write until I feel better. So Doug, congratulations, you have (once again!) given me an awesome idea!! Right now I'm babysitting my precocious, rambuctious, (insert other adjective that means WILD here) four-year-old niece. I'm torn between sending her to her room without TV privileges, and giving her a hug and an ice cream cone. I see so much of myself in her. She's not my child, but I'm around her so much that she has become my mini-me. She's more than slightly defiant, too smart for her own good, and sweet almost to a fault. (I'm not saying that's exactly how I am...but hey, it sounds familiar....) I've loved this little person since the first time I held her almost 5 years ago, and not only do I want nothing but the best for her, but I also want to protect her from every scary or sad thing in this world. I know it's not possible, but I'm more than willing to try. So I'm dedicating this blog to her....and her little brother or sister who will be here soon. This blog will be both an outlet, and a "teaching tool" (sorry, it's the wannabe educator in me coming out) for them so that they will understand that life is usually only difficult as we make it, and that their auntie has a proficiency for making hers extremely difficult. I'm not a bad person, but I have done (and most likely will continue to do) things that I pray they won't.

Oh, and the url for this blog comes from the fact that some people know me as Michelle (Chelle) and others know me as Mimi. I changed my name to Mimi online on January 1, 2008 because I decided that changing my name could help me change what I have percieved to be personality flaws in myself.....So far, I've seen a minute amount of change. This blog will be written by Mimi sometimes, and Chelle at others. And no, I do not suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. I'm just a gray area type of person who likes to look at things from different perspectives.....those different perspectives usually contradict each other........YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. lol

And with all of that being said, let "The Struggle" begin......