What I Am

I told my friend that I didn't want to have children because I didn't want them to be like me....he found that statement disturbing. It's not. Maybe I should tell you who I am.

-I am me.
The Physical Stuff

-My eyes are kind of almond shaped, I look a little Asian when I smile.
-My skin color is okay. I don't wanna change it.
-My nose is tiny. Someone once asked me how I breathe out of it....I still wonder about that....
-I have full lips.
-I like my smile. When it's genuine.
-I am overweight, but kinda cute.
-I used to have long hair, but that's gone now, but the memory of it counts, right?
-I have large breasts...a gift and a curse I suppose.
-I have big legs. My mama prayed that I would have them....God listens to her.
-I despise my stomach. My bf likes harassing it (and me) and it really annoys me. I don't like drawing attention to the unflattering parts of me...
-I just recently(a little over a year ago) acquired a butt. Yes, I acquired it. It certainly wasn't there when I started college.

The Personality-type Stuff

-I dress pretty conservatively for the most part. (See last statement under Physical Stuff.)
-I have expensive tastes, but being that I don't have a "real" job and I don't like asking my parents for money, I don't typically buy expensive things. Not really sure what this says about my personality, but oh well.
-I'm a hypocrite. I suppose everyone is or has been at some point. But that's beside the point. I do things that I know I shouldn't. And that bothers me.
-I worry too much. I worry incessantly about the simplest things. And I hate it.
-What people think of me matters. It shouldn't. It does. Not a whole lot, but the fact that it matters even a little bothers me.
-I'm sensitive. I don't always show it, but things people say or do or don't say or do hurt me like hell.
-I think too much. I overanalyze every-damn-thing...which leads to the aforementioned worrying.
-I'm intelligent. Sometimes too smart for my own good.
-Loyalty is important to me. Sometimes I wish it wasn't. My life would be much simpler if it wasn't.
-I have an old soul. Which means that my peers think I'm crazy for believing, saying, thinking, and acting the way I do. Which means I don't fit in a whole lot.
Which means childhood, adoloscence, and the part of adulthood that I have experienced thus far haven't always been too hot for me socially.
-I have trouble holding onto my convictions...wait, does that mean they aren't really convictions? In any case, I don't always follow through with things the way I should.

All of the above could be positive or negative....I'm just not sure I want to bring a child into the world that could feel as lost, lonely, confused, sad, and hurt as I've felt. Yes, I realize that my life is filled with the joy of Jesus (I like alliteration), love from my family and a few friends, and various other things but I wouldn't want anyone to feel some of the things I've felt....especially not my child(ren).

That's my story for tonight.