Tears

I know these tears are real.
They are not the product of hormones or an overactive imagination.
They are not the product of some physical pain that's been inflicted upon me.
They are the product of you.

Of wanting you.
Of believing in you.
These tears are the product of years of wasted effort.
The product of finally realizing that you will never get it.

They are the result of a hesitant faith, but a faith in you none the less.
The result of hopeful daydreams that helped me slip into slumber while waiting for that call.
The result of a constant internal struggle of wills to resist texting you once again.

These tears are the manifestation of me regaining my senses.
Of remembering the true meaning of love.
And finally accepting that this may not be it.

These overturned wells of hope, dreams, and love approach the slanted corners of my eyes and prepare to get stuck on my lashes as they tumble down my cheeks. Where they should be met by your fingers, but are instead greeted by my pillow.

I wipe away these runaway tears as I think of you.
These tears are real.
These tears were all I had left of you.
And now, they have left me too.

What I Am

I told my friend that I didn't want to have children because I didn't want them to be like me....he found that statement disturbing. It's not. Maybe I should tell you who I am.

-I am me.
The Physical Stuff

-My eyes are kind of almond shaped, I look a little Asian when I smile.
-My skin color is okay. I don't wanna change it.
-My nose is tiny. Someone once asked me how I breathe out of it....I still wonder about that....
-I have full lips.
-I like my smile. When it's genuine.
-I am overweight, but kinda cute.
-I used to have long hair, but that's gone now, but the memory of it counts, right?
-I have large breasts...a gift and a curse I suppose.
-I have big legs. My mama prayed that I would have them....God listens to her.
-I despise my stomach. My bf likes harassing it (and me) and it really annoys me. I don't like drawing attention to the unflattering parts of me...
-I just recently(a little over a year ago) acquired a butt. Yes, I acquired it. It certainly wasn't there when I started college.

The Personality-type Stuff

-I dress pretty conservatively for the most part. (See last statement under Physical Stuff.)
-I have expensive tastes, but being that I don't have a "real" job and I don't like asking my parents for money, I don't typically buy expensive things. Not really sure what this says about my personality, but oh well.
-I'm a hypocrite. I suppose everyone is or has been at some point. But that's beside the point. I do things that I know I shouldn't. And that bothers me.
-I worry too much. I worry incessantly about the simplest things. And I hate it.
-What people think of me matters. It shouldn't. It does. Not a whole lot, but the fact that it matters even a little bothers me.
-I'm sensitive. I don't always show it, but things people say or do or don't say or do hurt me like hell.
-I think too much. I overanalyze every-damn-thing...which leads to the aforementioned worrying.
-I'm intelligent. Sometimes too smart for my own good.
-Loyalty is important to me. Sometimes I wish it wasn't. My life would be much simpler if it wasn't.
-I have an old soul. Which means that my peers think I'm crazy for believing, saying, thinking, and acting the way I do. Which means I don't fit in a whole lot.
Which means childhood, adoloscence, and the part of adulthood that I have experienced thus far haven't always been too hot for me socially.
-I have trouble holding onto my convictions...wait, does that mean they aren't really convictions? In any case, I don't always follow through with things the way I should.

All of the above could be positive or negative....I'm just not sure I want to bring a child into the world that could feel as lost, lonely, confused, sad, and hurt as I've felt. Yes, I realize that my life is filled with the joy of Jesus (I like alliteration), love from my family and a few friends, and various other things but I wouldn't want anyone to feel some of the things I've felt....especially not my child(ren).

That's my story for tonight.

It's definitely been awhile since I've blogged. I truly haven't had the time to. Since I last blogged:

1. My heart has been pulled in a jillion directions
2. One of my best friends has been diagnosed with cancer
3. I have started and finished my hardest semester yet
4. I have started actively thinking about this thing called life after graduation
5. I have finally started to understand myself

I truly don't have the time to finish this right now, but I actually feel a little better now that I've at least addressed my issues.

My life is not bad by anyone's standards, but it is complicated. It's just me.

BBS

Dreaming

I just read an article about a new song by Chris Brown called "Trapped In a Dream." One of his producers or something was trying to explain to the journalist the concept behind the song. While I was reading it, I immediately remembered something that happened recently that I'm surprised I forgot. It was either the last week of classes or exam week, and I woke up. I just woke up. There was none of the usual mental fog that comes when I awaken; I was completely awake. And excited. I had just had the craziest dream. All of my immediate family (my parents, granny, sister, bro-in-law, 2 nieces and myself) were living together in this huge house. One day we took a group of strangers in...idk why, but we did. Not only were they strange to us, but they were strange to each other. They had just recently met. I don't think I ever knew why they were traveling, but they were and they were only going to be staying with us for a little while. Well, of course, me and one of the guys hit it off. We became inseparable. Nothing sexual ever happened between us, but we were so in love with each other. Everyone could see it. But the time came for them to leave and I was so upset that I cried most of the day before they were supposed to leave. The next day, I was awake and just ready to tell him goodbye and that I loved him, but he wasn't there. The people he was with said that he had left the night before to get something for me, but he hadn't gotten back yet. I looked everywhere for him. But I couldn't find him. And that's when I woke up. I was sooo excited when I woke up. I told my roommate and suitemate about the dream. I couldn't stop talking about my "perfect man." Then it dawned on me that I had lost him. I sat back down on my bed and realized that I couldn't recall his name and that he was the only person in the dream whose face I did not see. My excitement faded. I had lost the perfect man for me...in my dreams. Now what kind of message is that supposed to send me? I can't even hold onto my perfect man in my dreams, how could I possibly expect to find and KEEP him in reality. I think that's one of the most depressing dreams I've ever had. It's right up there with my "death" dreams (i've been dreaming about the deaths of my parents since I was in elementary school, they're definitely recurring dreams...well, nightmares). Anyway, idk what I was supposed to learn from that dream...Maybe that my perfect man does exist (contrary to my "Chocolate Prince Charming" entry). Or maybe that dream was supposed to tell me that ANYONE could be my "perfect man." Eh, I'll never know, but I certainly will keep looking for him in my dreams....

The Unknown

I'm cautious, but impetuous. I think, and I think, and I think--then i just act. There really is no in between with me, but I feel that there should be. I wonder and worry about all of the possibilities of a situation, then, sometimes, I completely disregard everything that I've wondered and worried about. Why do I do all of that preliminary wondering and worrying if I'm just going to do something anyway? *shrugs shoulders* Your guess is about as good as mine. I do know why I wonder and worry though. I'm terrified of making mistakes. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this on here before, but I guess I'm about to go into greater detail now. I struggle with not knowing. I believe that God is the only omniscient being out there, and I don't envy him at all. However, I would like some inkling of what's to come. The unknown scares me. Last summer there was a week-long period when I was obsessed with death. I don't know how or why that happened, but it did. I've always been aware of death, of course, but for that week or so, it was like I had stumbled upon a train of thought that allowed me to let down my guard and actually consider death and all that it entails. There are always thoughts running through my head...so I wondered if I would be able to think when I'm dead. Wait, maybe I need to pause for a moment and make sure that everyone knows that I'm a Christian. Born and raised. And while it was spoon-fed to me, once I grew up and was able to make my own decisions and do my own research, I'm still a Christian. That being said, it was very strange for me to be wondering if I would know that I was dead...that wouldn't matter because all Christians believe in Heaven. Right? Eh, yeah. I guess my real confusion stemmed from the lack of a roadmap or a list of "things to come" for death. It's unknown to the living. So I don't know how long we "sleep" before we are judged...Anyway, I'll stop rambling on about death and get back to the unknown. It's frightening not knowing what's going to happen next or how one decision in the present may affect your life in the future. But I guess it's not as frightening as I think it is. If it were, I would live in a bubble. I would never make an important decision. I wouldn't really live. I guess at the end of the day, the reason why I "just act" is because I have no other choice. My fear of the unknown is not as great as my fear of wasting the precious life I have been given.

Growth

The last week of classes I was asked if I felt I had changed as a person throughout the course of this year. That question really caught me off guard. It was so random, and if I (the QUEEN of randomness) say it's random, it's RANDOM. I was cleaning my dorm room and I actually stopped moving to think about that. This past year has been one of the most emotionally and mentally trying years of my academic career; and it was only year two. I had a professor that was either attempting to push me to academic greatness or trying to make me commit academic suicide. I had too much homework/reading and not enough time to do it in. And I was trying to get adjusted to actually having to do work for once. Academically, I would give myself a high B for the year as a whole. Now, personal growth is a little different. Before I could even begin to think about that, I asked my friend if he felt that he had grown over the year. He gave me an answer that is very typical of him: vague, but alludes to something deep and important. That's just him. He then asked me again...And I was divided on my growth.

On one hand, I feel that my youthful passion has simmered down. I don't get as upset about things as I used to. I've learned that sitting quietly says a whole lot more than screaming and waving your arms. I have also discovered that patience is truly a virtue. I'm nowhere near as patient as I should and need to be, but I'm making progress. There are other personal areas that I've grown in, but I feel that they all tie into what I just mentioned, so I won't comment on them right now.

Now, on the other hand, I still have the ideals that really need to go. I'm so STIFF. I love to have fun and live in the moment. But I overanalyze things. And I worry when things don't turn out as I planned or how I feel they should. It's like I'm mentally rigid; constantly trying to make progress, but continuing to stand in the same spot because the motions of progress are too difficult for me to master. I don't know why I'm so mentally rigid when it comes to my personal life because I'm mentally fluid academically. I can accept concepts, ideas, definitions, and facts all the same....Maybe I'm so accepting in an academic setting because I'm being taught what someone else has tried and found to be true. Hmm....sounds like I need to take a philosophy course so I can be forced to generate my own concepts, ideas, definitions, and facts.

Anyway, I didn't tell him all of that. I think I said something about growing to understand people better and learning how to be me. IDK. I guess I'm good at giving vague answers that allude to deep and important things about me, too.

Jumping In

Instead of apologizing for being gone so long, I think I'm just going to direct you to my new blog "The Experience" and jump back in on "The Struggle."

Jumping in is not as easy as it should be. Especially for me. I analyze everything...Always wondering what could have been and what will be. Seldom do I take the time to just take advantage of what IS. I really don't know why I worry and obsess over everything. Guess that means I'm not a risk taker. But I could have sworn that I took some risks in choosing my college, making friends, and establishing relationships. What makes me brave enough to take a risk on people, but not situations and experiences? That's a great question...wish I knew the answer to it....I feel like I'm talking in circles, and i think I do that a lot. Which is definitely not good for someone who plans to make her living (at least for a few years) educating people. But back to jumping in. I'm just gonna jump right in and summarize my sophomore year of college since I was so completely SLACK about blogging (I really didn't have time; honest. I SWEAR.)

So I definitely almost blogged about a couple of situations this semester. They're actually still sitting as drafts on here.

Situation Number 1 was someone I vaguely knew dropping in on my life in a HUGE way. Further complicating my life because of the unresolved issues from this summer. Well, that person went from being an acquaintance -> friend -> good friend -> eh, no comment. Let's just say he's important.

Situation Number 2 was my "trackstar" reappearing in my life and making things WAY TOO COMPLICATED. I was very conflicted, but at the end of the day, I thought of how the whole situation was just abruptly ended by him, and I couldn't let him back in like that. He'll be a friend to the end, if he wants to be. But it looks like he doesn't want to accept that. Oh well.

Those were the biggest situations that I don't think I blogged about. There are a few other interesting things that happened this past school year, but I'm sure I'll write about those later when I actually feel like thinking about them.
In any case, my summer has begun and it's definitely going to be a crazy one. That's what "The Experience" is for. I think I want to kind of chronicle the crazy, but sometimes boring life that I call my own. Eh, should be interesting....