Damaged Goods

A lot of people know some vague details about my last relationship. But very few know any specifics. Actually, he and I are the only ones who know what really happened...as far as I know. That relationship was one of the most wonderful and traumatic experiences of my life. In Common's "The Light," he says, "I wanna be the one who makes you happiest, and hurts you the most." And that's certainly what my ex was. But before he was my ex, or even my boyfriend, he was my friend. One of my very best. I relied on him in a way that I had never relied on anyone before. I told him everything. Good or bad. And there was a good bit of bad. But he was just this extremely understanding person; I really couldn't help falling for him. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would still become friends with him. That's a given. But the jury is still out as to whether or not I would date him. How our relationship ended has kind of clouded the friendship that we once we had. And that saddens me more than anything. His friendship was just that important to me. And in turn, it has made me fearful.

I have a lot of wonderful friendships with some wonderful guys. And when I say wonderful, I mean wonderful. The type I could take home to my preacher of a daddy and QUICKLY get approval of. The type that I'm confident would blend into my whole life so well that it would be hard to remember how things were if he wasn't there. However, I'm so afraid of giving up a friendship that is pretty special, taking it to the relationship level, then it ending so badly that that good friendship is almost nonexistent. That seriously scares the hell out of me. And maybe it seems like I'm overreacting about my last relationship, but you really don't know everything that went down; everything that was tied into into it. I revisited that relationship today. And it overwhelmed me. All of the joy and pain tied into it.....And no matter how much I thrive off of relationships, and how good I am in them (cus i am good for the most part), I'm still afraid of ruining yet another good friendship. I've come to realize that for right now, I'm damaged goods.

good

SO. It turns out that my little Trackstar has been very busy.....reading my blog! lol. But it's cool. I'm glad he did, because he would never have listened to any of that coming directly from me! I feel good about everything right now. I'm trying to do the whole no regrets thing, and right about now, I'm not feeling any. Of course, I still have some WISHES, but that can't be helped. The most important thing is that I'm not regretting any words that I've said, decisions that I've made, or actions I have taken. And that's highly unusual for me. I usually do the whole, "Why in the world did I do that??" type of thing. But I'm choosing not to do that anymore. Everything I do or say was already destined to happen....and it's also destined to help me get to whatever place in my life it is that I need to be at. Regret means that you don't feel that you used very good judgment in a situation. And I always want to know that I handled a situation in the very best manner that I could have. This hasn't been true in my past, but I'm trying to make it true for my present and my future.

I'm feeling quite peaceful right now........It's gonna be a good day.

Half Crazy

I knew the song existed. I mean, I first heard Musiq's "Half Crazy" forever and a day ago....it's on my mp3 player and everything. But somehow, when I was trying to figure out what song my current situation reminds me of, I couldn't remember....Now I remember. "Half Crazy." This song epitomizes my fears about this situation. Oh God.......No one except people who have dated me knows just how easy it is for me to screw a relationship up. Not by doing the typical stuff (cheating, lying, flirting too much, being inattentive), I mess relationships up by caring too much. And yes, caring too much CAN be a problem. Especially when the person you're caring about isn't able to show it in the same manner you do. I will admit that some of the people I've cared about didn't care about me the same way I cared about them. But hey, I'm young. That's the kind of crap that happens to most of us young people on a pretty regular basis. I can also admit that ther have been people who have cared about me a great deal, but I didn't feel the same way about them. You really can't help how you feel about someone, which is why I've chosen not to be angry or bitter about the people who didn't care about ME as much as I did about THEM.

Yeah, that was kinda confusing, but I'm complicated like that :-)! Anyway, in my experience, wheneer you first start talking to someone, everything is really good because you're learning about each other and trying to put your best foot forward. But if things click between you, feelings begin to develop. And that's where the problems begin. Feelings make things so much more complicated than they have to be. Feelings can make you bite your tongue, or make you start telling EVERYTHING. That easygoing feeling you once had, has changed....it's been replaced by love, concern, worry, anger, possibly jealousy, and conflict caused by miscommunication. I'm not sure I'm ready to go there again. I don't want to ruin an excellent friendship trying to find a good relationship. Patience is what I need....where I'm going to find it; well, that's another story....

I'm so tired of this

I'm at work texting my homegirl. Before I begin this story, I wanna talk about her for a minute. She's my roommate for next semester, so she'll be mentioned a lot on here. She is one of the realest, smartest, sweetest, and happiest people I know. She has MORE than her share of problems surrounding her, but she always rises above and beyond them. And I respect, admire, and love her for that.

Anyway, we're texting about Trackstar....who happens to be related to her. Apparently his little brother told her that he deleted my number from his phone. I had to laugh. He's a couple of months younger than me, but I didn't know he was still on his high school game!! Anyway, I told her that if that's what he wants, it's more than cool with me, but he's gonna regret it later. She replied, "Gurl, you're crazy!" I'm really not. I'm dead serious. And before you even think it, I AM NOT COCKY. I'm mildly confident, but that doesn't have anything to do with this. They just ALWAYS regret it. It NEVER fails. Every person I've ever dated (even the ones from MIDDLE SCHOOL) has come back. Or tried to. And Trackstar already has a bad habit of saying he doesn't want to talk to me "LIKE THAT" anymore, and then retracting that statement after 2 or 3 days. It's emotionally draining. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the little boys in men's bodies.

I was talking to my sister and her friend (my sister's 25 and her friend is like 30) and we came to the conclusion that most of the guys my age will still be playing these little boy games when they're 30. This conclusion is based on the FACT that a lot of the men who are currently around the age of 30 are STILL playing those same games. This is so disheartening for a good majority of females my age. There are some females who don't partcularly mind the games that guys play, either because they play the same games, or they're hoping that the guys will grow up soon. And I applaud them for being able to accept these guys and their games. But ME. Well, I feel that if I can be dedicated and honest, then I deserve someone who can reciprocate that. Plain and simple. My parents always told me that no one should ever just "settle" for any old thing. Everyone deserves the best. Sadly, some people either don't believe they deserve it, or that they will ever find it. I know that my "best" is out there. And I think I had it once upon a time, but my "best" wasn't at it's best yet. Anyway, I've been officially single for awhile (since October), and while it does get a little lonely (it actually starts to piss me off sometimes), I would rather be lonely, than deal with a bunch of bull from some male who has his own agenda that does not include being a dedicated, honest man. I don't deserve that, so I'm not going to settle for it.

Crazy Blind

Obviously, you're crazy.
Certifiably insane.
One moment you're screamin at me,
The next, you're callin my name.
Maybe you think I'm stupid,
Sorry sweetheart,
I no longer believe in Cupid.
Cus I see straight into your fickle heart;
You never knew what you wanted.
I shoulda seen it from the start.
You'd take one step forward, then one back.
But silly me,
I thought that holding your hand could change all that.
The truth is,
You like being the way you are.
But by only reaching for Mt. Everest,
You'll never land among the stars.
So for now, this is where the road ends.
No more looking back
And analyzing all our sins.
I'm choosing what's best for me.
Because honestly,
My worth is something you will never be able to see.

Always Use Protection

Sweet nothings whispered in my ear
I relinquished my hold on reality with no fear.
Got sucked into that vortex.
Wondering once again, "What next?"
"Snap back to reality"
Was he really feeling me?
Did that just happen?
Did I really just let him back in?
Not into ME, but into my world,
Giving hope back to this eager girl.
I don't THINK I did.
Because I know exactly what he has to give.
And scraps are not enough for me.
I want the whole feast.
So until you can give me that,
Always remember this fact:
When dealing with my affection,
Always use protection.

Yeah, It's Mine To Tell

I really should be in bed....getting some much needed rest, and getting my mind right for church in a few hours. But there's too much on my heart right now. Too many old memories and questions resurfacing.....for no good reason at that. But I must deal with them.

I'm not gonna lie: sometimes I miss us. I miss the days when you were different. When I got to see a side of you that is always there, but most people overlook. A side that I like to think was just for me. We were so close. There was such a connection that was oh-so-visible, even to those who didn't want us together, or didn't believe we would stay together. But it was there. There's no doubt about it. It was there. I try to tell myself that it was imagined, or that it was just a performance. But in my heart, I know it was real. Which makes this all the more painful. And confusing. To see such a wonderful gift tossed aside, like it was nothing. Like it didn't matter. Like it was TRASH. And for what? To satisfy those primal urges? Oh wait, that was included in that wonderful gift. To allow for freedom? Oh wait, there was an abundance of freedom in that wonderful gift. To appease associates? Wait, I thought that because we had that wonderful gift, the thoughts, words, and actions of others were of little consequence to us. Was I really that wrong? Is my judgment so off, that I created this fantasy where you loved me, and I loved you...and there was no sweeter feeling than just falling asleep by your side? Was I really that wrong? Is my heart so defective that it pleasantly raced at the mere mention of your name? Was I really so wrong? Is my mind so overworked that what it believes is a logical equation (you + me = heaven on earth), is really completely irrational and couldn't possibly exist? You tell me. I want to know. It seems nearly impossible for so many parts of me to malfunction in such a way, all at once.....so it must be YOU.

I know my heart. I know my mind. I know my soul. It seems that you don't. And I pity you. And I will pray for you. But I will no longer cry for you. I can't. Because the tears are blurring the vision of something that has the potential of becoming so beautiful. I want to see that something. I NEED to see that something.

I really don't know.

Ever since childhood, my dad has always said that I was going to be the type of person who would have to "touch the stove and get burned, to see if it's hot". And I have to agree. I'm always testing limits. Boundaries. Continuously pushing until I get exactly what I was asking for....which usually does not turn out to be at all what I expected, much less wanted. Tonight I pushed in two different directions. On the left was a brick wall that I hit so hard I nearly cried from mere shock that it was actually a wall. You know the type of wall: the kind that looks like it's one of those endless roads, but it turns out that someone has merely painted a brick wall...to trick you. And hurt you. I actually expected the other direction to include a rubber wall, where I could constantly keep bouncing back and forth. But surprisingly (pleasantly, I might add), that wall gave a little. And I'm certain that if I keep pushing, it will continue to do so, until it finally gives way completely, and allows me to see what lies behind it. Given my predisposition to "hard-headedness", it would seem completely plausible for people to believe that I would continue to run into that brick wall until I either give up in sad defeat, or kill myself from overexerting my heart. However, I don't want to do that. I really don't. I don't have a death wish, no matter what my actions may lead people to believe.

I have a LIFE wish.

I've been thinking about my life a whole lot lately: what I need to be doing, what I want to do, and how to accomplish those things. The one thing that comes up in the present and future tense, is being happy. I have many reasons to be happy, however, I can only claim to being mildly content. And I'm tired of it. All that remains to be seen now, is what I'm going to do about it. Once I decide what I'm going to do, I won't let ANYONE prevent me from finding and KEEPING that happiness, whether they are a part of my past or present.

This night.

This night.
Filled with emotions and expectations.
I'm thrown into a new situation.
With brand new sensations.
Quick glances.
Silent advances.
Ice cold thoughts.
A battle of love,
waiting to be fought.
Holding my tongue.
Losing the oxygen in my lungs.
I gasp.
Trying to regain composure.
And seeking complete closure.
Pulled in different directions.
One unknown,
But which will certainly lead to affection.
I turned my head.
And had no choice but to follow
Where my feet led.
So torn inside.
I walk back out
Into....This night.

......

Me + late at night = a "bad" combination of realness and silliness that tends to get me in trouble. Once again, I stayed up late talkin to DIP about nothin really important. I had plenty of constructive things that I needed to do to get ready for this (hopefully awesome) weekend, but I decided to procrastinate by watching old music videos on YouTube and talking to DIP. I got to show off some of my rapping skills, proving that I really AM a G (hahahahaha, yeah right). DIP and I got into dangerous territory though. Luckily, we both handled it like the G's that we are. DIP is definitely one of kind. And while Lupe is husband material......(DIP knows what should go here)......

Well, I'm about to go talk to the cute little First-Years about why my institution of higher learning is freakishly awesome. More later.......

Goodbye......Hello

Quite a bit has been going on in my life. Too much, in fact. There are so many people coming and going, that my head is constantly turning to see who's going to leave me, or step in for a minute. I guess I'll start with the most recent person who has decided to step out of my life. I guess he was one of those "season" people. You know, the people who come into your life for a short while to teach you something. I'll call him my 'Trackstar". I "met" him in December, but didn't really start talking to him until mid-January. He was a sweetie. He was attentive, funny, and intelligent. And he was a welcome distraction. Yeah, I just admitted to using him as a distraction. (I might talk about what he was distracting me from....but then again....) Anyway, somehow, I became attached to him. I don't know how it happened. I didn't really WANT it to happen, but it did. And it felt good. For the little while it lasted. To shorten this kinda long story, he's leaving the state, and I guess my life for awhile. I don't know. He has issues with telling me things that he knows will bother me, so details are scarce for the moment. But in any case, I doubt if my Trackstar will ever actually see this, but just know that I owe you a lot. You taught me so much about myself without even meaning to. I love you dude. lol. But no, seriously, I do. And you will always have a special place in my heart and mind.

Now, this person who has entered my life, has been here for awhile. I've known him for a few months.....he started out as the friend of a friend, but now he's MINE lol. I think I'll call him "DIP" (for Dangerous Intriguing and Pleasing). We have so much in common. So much to talk about, laugh about, and whine about lol. Our friendship is also kinda unexpected. And on the surface, it's legitimate, but beneath the surface, OH BOY....if anyone really knew.....wow.....lol. I'm being a little dramatic....but not by much. I really don't want to say a lot on this because there's SO much to say, but I felt it was necessary to bring it up right now. And I know DIP understands. Don't you? lol......"I guess I'll see you next lifetime......"

I'm tired of talking about this now, it's emotionally draining.....Part Two of "Goodbye.......Hello" coming soon.

First Time

No, the title of this blog does not have anything to do with......well, you know (sorry to disappoint ya'll). Instead, it's about my first time blogging. I'm starting this blog out of frustration. As my Dougie so accurately pointed out, since writing is one of my strong points, I should write until I feel better. So Doug, congratulations, you have (once again!) given me an awesome idea!! Right now I'm babysitting my precocious, rambuctious, (insert other adjective that means WILD here) four-year-old niece. I'm torn between sending her to her room without TV privileges, and giving her a hug and an ice cream cone. I see so much of myself in her. She's not my child, but I'm around her so much that she has become my mini-me. She's more than slightly defiant, too smart for her own good, and sweet almost to a fault. (I'm not saying that's exactly how I am...but hey, it sounds familiar....) I've loved this little person since the first time I held her almost 5 years ago, and not only do I want nothing but the best for her, but I also want to protect her from every scary or sad thing in this world. I know it's not possible, but I'm more than willing to try. So I'm dedicating this blog to her....and her little brother or sister who will be here soon. This blog will be both an outlet, and a "teaching tool" (sorry, it's the wannabe educator in me coming out) for them so that they will understand that life is usually only difficult as we make it, and that their auntie has a proficiency for making hers extremely difficult. I'm not a bad person, but I have done (and most likely will continue to do) things that I pray they won't.

Oh, and the url for this blog comes from the fact that some people know me as Michelle (Chelle) and others know me as Mimi. I changed my name to Mimi online on January 1, 2008 because I decided that changing my name could help me change what I have percieved to be personality flaws in myself.....So far, I've seen a minute amount of change. This blog will be written by Mimi sometimes, and Chelle at others. And no, I do not suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. I'm just a gray area type of person who likes to look at things from different perspectives.....those different perspectives usually contradict each other........YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. lol

And with all of that being said, let "The Struggle" begin......