I really don't know.

Ever since childhood, my dad has always said that I was going to be the type of person who would have to "touch the stove and get burned, to see if it's hot". And I have to agree. I'm always testing limits. Boundaries. Continuously pushing until I get exactly what I was asking for....which usually does not turn out to be at all what I expected, much less wanted. Tonight I pushed in two different directions. On the left was a brick wall that I hit so hard I nearly cried from mere shock that it was actually a wall. You know the type of wall: the kind that looks like it's one of those endless roads, but it turns out that someone has merely painted a brick wall...to trick you. And hurt you. I actually expected the other direction to include a rubber wall, where I could constantly keep bouncing back and forth. But surprisingly (pleasantly, I might add), that wall gave a little. And I'm certain that if I keep pushing, it will continue to do so, until it finally gives way completely, and allows me to see what lies behind it. Given my predisposition to "hard-headedness", it would seem completely plausible for people to believe that I would continue to run into that brick wall until I either give up in sad defeat, or kill myself from overexerting my heart. However, I don't want to do that. I really don't. I don't have a death wish, no matter what my actions may lead people to believe.

I have a LIFE wish.

I've been thinking about my life a whole lot lately: what I need to be doing, what I want to do, and how to accomplish those things. The one thing that comes up in the present and future tense, is being happy. I have many reasons to be happy, however, I can only claim to being mildly content. And I'm tired of it. All that remains to be seen now, is what I'm going to do about it. Once I decide what I'm going to do, I won't let ANYONE prevent me from finding and KEEPING that happiness, whether they are a part of my past or present.