Yeah, It's Mine To Tell

I really should be in bed....getting some much needed rest, and getting my mind right for church in a few hours. But there's too much on my heart right now. Too many old memories and questions resurfacing.....for no good reason at that. But I must deal with them.

I'm not gonna lie: sometimes I miss us. I miss the days when you were different. When I got to see a side of you that is always there, but most people overlook. A side that I like to think was just for me. We were so close. There was such a connection that was oh-so-visible, even to those who didn't want us together, or didn't believe we would stay together. But it was there. There's no doubt about it. It was there. I try to tell myself that it was imagined, or that it was just a performance. But in my heart, I know it was real. Which makes this all the more painful. And confusing. To see such a wonderful gift tossed aside, like it was nothing. Like it didn't matter. Like it was TRASH. And for what? To satisfy those primal urges? Oh wait, that was included in that wonderful gift. To allow for freedom? Oh wait, there was an abundance of freedom in that wonderful gift. To appease associates? Wait, I thought that because we had that wonderful gift, the thoughts, words, and actions of others were of little consequence to us. Was I really that wrong? Is my judgment so off, that I created this fantasy where you loved me, and I loved you...and there was no sweeter feeling than just falling asleep by your side? Was I really that wrong? Is my heart so defective that it pleasantly raced at the mere mention of your name? Was I really so wrong? Is my mind so overworked that what it believes is a logical equation (you + me = heaven on earth), is really completely irrational and couldn't possibly exist? You tell me. I want to know. It seems nearly impossible for so many parts of me to malfunction in such a way, all at once.....so it must be YOU.

I know my heart. I know my mind. I know my soul. It seems that you don't. And I pity you. And I will pray for you. But I will no longer cry for you. I can't. Because the tears are blurring the vision of something that has the potential of becoming so beautiful. I want to see that something. I NEED to see that something.