Tears

I know these tears are real.
They are not the product of hormones or an overactive imagination.
They are not the product of some physical pain that's been inflicted upon me.
They are the product of you.

Of wanting you.
Of believing in you.
These tears are the product of years of wasted effort.
The product of finally realizing that you will never get it.

They are the result of a hesitant faith, but a faith in you none the less.
The result of hopeful daydreams that helped me slip into slumber while waiting for that call.
The result of a constant internal struggle of wills to resist texting you once again.

These tears are the manifestation of me regaining my senses.
Of remembering the true meaning of love.
And finally accepting that this may not be it.

These overturned wells of hope, dreams, and love approach the slanted corners of my eyes and prepare to get stuck on my lashes as they tumble down my cheeks. Where they should be met by your fingers, but are instead greeted by my pillow.

I wipe away these runaway tears as I think of you.
These tears are real.
These tears were all I had left of you.
And now, they have left me too.

What I Am

I told my friend that I didn't want to have children because I didn't want them to be like me....he found that statement disturbing. It's not. Maybe I should tell you who I am.

-I am me.
The Physical Stuff

-My eyes are kind of almond shaped, I look a little Asian when I smile.
-My skin color is okay. I don't wanna change it.
-My nose is tiny. Someone once asked me how I breathe out of it....I still wonder about that....
-I have full lips.
-I like my smile. When it's genuine.
-I am overweight, but kinda cute.
-I used to have long hair, but that's gone now, but the memory of it counts, right?
-I have large breasts...a gift and a curse I suppose.
-I have big legs. My mama prayed that I would have them....God listens to her.
-I despise my stomach. My bf likes harassing it (and me) and it really annoys me. I don't like drawing attention to the unflattering parts of me...
-I just recently(a little over a year ago) acquired a butt. Yes, I acquired it. It certainly wasn't there when I started college.

The Personality-type Stuff

-I dress pretty conservatively for the most part. (See last statement under Physical Stuff.)
-I have expensive tastes, but being that I don't have a "real" job and I don't like asking my parents for money, I don't typically buy expensive things. Not really sure what this says about my personality, but oh well.
-I'm a hypocrite. I suppose everyone is or has been at some point. But that's beside the point. I do things that I know I shouldn't. And that bothers me.
-I worry too much. I worry incessantly about the simplest things. And I hate it.
-What people think of me matters. It shouldn't. It does. Not a whole lot, but the fact that it matters even a little bothers me.
-I'm sensitive. I don't always show it, but things people say or do or don't say or do hurt me like hell.
-I think too much. I overanalyze every-damn-thing...which leads to the aforementioned worrying.
-I'm intelligent. Sometimes too smart for my own good.
-Loyalty is important to me. Sometimes I wish it wasn't. My life would be much simpler if it wasn't.
-I have an old soul. Which means that my peers think I'm crazy for believing, saying, thinking, and acting the way I do. Which means I don't fit in a whole lot.
Which means childhood, adoloscence, and the part of adulthood that I have experienced thus far haven't always been too hot for me socially.
-I have trouble holding onto my convictions...wait, does that mean they aren't really convictions? In any case, I don't always follow through with things the way I should.

All of the above could be positive or negative....I'm just not sure I want to bring a child into the world that could feel as lost, lonely, confused, sad, and hurt as I've felt. Yes, I realize that my life is filled with the joy of Jesus (I like alliteration), love from my family and a few friends, and various other things but I wouldn't want anyone to feel some of the things I've felt....especially not my child(ren).

That's my story for tonight.

It's definitely been awhile since I've blogged. I truly haven't had the time to. Since I last blogged:

1. My heart has been pulled in a jillion directions
2. One of my best friends has been diagnosed with cancer
3. I have started and finished my hardest semester yet
4. I have started actively thinking about this thing called life after graduation
5. I have finally started to understand myself

I truly don't have the time to finish this right now, but I actually feel a little better now that I've at least addressed my issues.

My life is not bad by anyone's standards, but it is complicated. It's just me.

BBS