I'm a daydreamer. But my daydreams aren't your typical daydreams. Mine don't magically appear in my mind, they're carefully planned out by yours truly. When I can't go to sleep I daydream. When I can't focus, I daydream to rededicate myself to the task at hand. When reality is a little too real, I quietly slip away deep into myself and make things happen in my daydreams. I guess my daydreams could be called fantasies, but they usually aren't very erotic or anything. I don't even think I want them to happen. I mean, it would be pretty cool if they DID happen, but who said life is supposed to be cool? I don't know. I guess I'm saying that my daydreams are stress related.....and I've been daydreaming a lot lately. I've been daydreaming so much lately that I look forward to lulls in my work load because they're an opportunity for me to daydream.....I yearn to go home and lay down for a nap, cus it gives me an excuse to daydream......I look forward to "bedtime" because although I'm sleepy, I know it will take a nice little daydream to send me into a deep slumber. Oh, and my daydreams must be complex, but true to life, and interesting...or I'll "throw" them away and have to start over. It's actually a very trying process. I must have the right daydream or else I won't be able to fall asleep or focus on anything else......
The point of that long rambling mess is that my daydreaming habit is starting to seem unhealthy....I'm shifting focus from something stressful that desperately needs to be resolved. And I'm doing it quite willingly. (SIGH) It's time to woman up, so to speak.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Summertime: Pt. 3
(Alex)
All I can do is shake my head at this point. That....that funny, incredibly intelligent, and outrageously cute woman has me completely speechless. Nothing about that conversation was really different from any other conversation with her, but just thinking about her in general makes me smile, laugh, and sigh...all at once. So naturally I have no words. But this situation is crazy. I'm torn between feeling guilty about having these feelings for my brother's girl, and wanting to just take her and run away from it all. Even Darrin. He's my brother, but we just met a few months ago. We get along as well as can be expected for two people who grew up never knowing the other existed. We laugh, perfect our Wii game, and play cards together. Darrin and I both love sports (baseball and basketball mostly), music (hip-hop, a lil' R&B, and some old school stuff), and our mamas. He just doesn't know about the other interest that we have in common: Robin. I swear, I never wanted it to be like this. In a way, I still don't. I met my brother that I never knew about, and a few months later I'm in love with his girl. Here I am trying to fit 21 years of life into as many conversations as I can with him during the day, and dreaming about the girl he loves at night. Robin is beyond smart, but she really doesn't have a clue about how much Darrin loves her. I mean, he and I talk. Not only about our histories, but about the present. And not a conversation goes by without her name popping out of his mouth in some form. I don't think he's noticed how I quickly steer the conversation from her. Or how I'm gone within five minutes when she walks in his room.....at least, I HOPE he hasn't......
All I can do is shake my head at this point. That....that funny, incredibly intelligent, and outrageously cute woman has me completely speechless. Nothing about that conversation was really different from any other conversation with her, but just thinking about her in general makes me smile, laugh, and sigh...all at once. So naturally I have no words. But this situation is crazy. I'm torn between feeling guilty about having these feelings for my brother's girl, and wanting to just take her and run away from it all. Even Darrin. He's my brother, but we just met a few months ago. We get along as well as can be expected for two people who grew up never knowing the other existed. We laugh, perfect our Wii game, and play cards together. Darrin and I both love sports (baseball and basketball mostly), music (hip-hop, a lil' R&B, and some old school stuff), and our mamas. He just doesn't know about the other interest that we have in common: Robin. I swear, I never wanted it to be like this. In a way, I still don't. I met my brother that I never knew about, and a few months later I'm in love with his girl. Here I am trying to fit 21 years of life into as many conversations as I can with him during the day, and dreaming about the girl he loves at night. Robin is beyond smart, but she really doesn't have a clue about how much Darrin loves her. I mean, he and I talk. Not only about our histories, but about the present. And not a conversation goes by without her name popping out of his mouth in some form. I don't think he's noticed how I quickly steer the conversation from her. Or how I'm gone within five minutes when she walks in his room.....at least, I HOPE he hasn't......
Summertime: Pt. 2
(Robin)
That convo was pretty intense huh? That's how things are between Alex and me: INTENSE. And I love it....but I'm still not quite sure how things got to this point. One moment, I'm being introduced to this handsome brother by my homegirl, then, I find out that he's actually closely related to my boyfriend. At this point, I'm sure you're wondering how long our little affair has been going on. And I can't really argue with the use of the word "affair" because it really is one. Not a physical affair, but an emotional one. Me and Alex have never even held hands, yet as sure as I'm writing this, I've been cheating on my boyfriend with my heart. And that's the worst kind of cheating really. This sounds really cliche, but none of this was supposed to happen. My boyfriend's brother was not supposed to become my emotional lover. I mean really. If I'd had an inkling of how amazing Alex was, I would have slowly backed away from him, then broken out in an all out run. Because honestly, my boyfriend isn't that amazing. And being in close proximity to someone who is everything you want, but isn't the person you're with, is scary as hell. You tend to get caught up pretty quickly. A routine phone call to make sure that amazing person is still breathing, turns into a 6 hour talk fest about the past. A quick visit to a dorm room just to say hi turns into an all night music marathon, where you rap (badly) to your favorite beat. And the last situation is the worst. Especially since your boyfriend lives one floor above his amazing half-brother that you just spent the night with. Oh, did I mention that Alex, Darrin, and I all attend the same college?
That convo was pretty intense huh? That's how things are between Alex and me: INTENSE. And I love it....but I'm still not quite sure how things got to this point. One moment, I'm being introduced to this handsome brother by my homegirl, then, I find out that he's actually closely related to my boyfriend. At this point, I'm sure you're wondering how long our little affair has been going on. And I can't really argue with the use of the word "affair" because it really is one. Not a physical affair, but an emotional one. Me and Alex have never even held hands, yet as sure as I'm writing this, I've been cheating on my boyfriend with my heart. And that's the worst kind of cheating really. This sounds really cliche, but none of this was supposed to happen. My boyfriend's brother was not supposed to become my emotional lover. I mean really. If I'd had an inkling of how amazing Alex was, I would have slowly backed away from him, then broken out in an all out run. Because honestly, my boyfriend isn't that amazing. And being in close proximity to someone who is everything you want, but isn't the person you're with, is scary as hell. You tend to get caught up pretty quickly. A routine phone call to make sure that amazing person is still breathing, turns into a 6 hour talk fest about the past. A quick visit to a dorm room just to say hi turns into an all night music marathon, where you rap (badly) to your favorite beat. And the last situation is the worst. Especially since your boyfriend lives one floor above his amazing half-brother that you just spent the night with. Oh, did I mention that Alex, Darrin, and I all attend the same college?
Summertime Pt.1
"You're the one."
"Word."
"You're slow. But for real, you are."
"I know."
"Cocky are we?"
"Nope. Just confident in the love that I feel between us."
"So what are we gonna tell him???"
(sigh) "That, I DON'T know...."
"He loves you."
"I know that, too."
"So he would want you to be happy."
"Of course. With him."
"Dang."
"Yep......Let's just run away together."
"Uh huh. And where are we going?"
"Ummm....away."
"Away where?"
"........Cali."
"That's what you always say. If we WERE to run away, that's the first place he would look."
"True."
"So tell me where you REALLY want to go..."
"I want to go deep inside your heart...."
"You're already there."
"No. I want to go the place inside your heart that's so hidden that only God would be able to find me...."
"Getting poetic on me?"
"No.....getting real."
"Damn. You don't make things easy do you?"
"Anything that's easy to get, probably isn't worth having..."
"And you're definitely worth having."
"Naturally!"
(laughs) "So confident. So intriguing......So worth it."
(silence)
"SO. How are we gonna tell him?"
"Word."
"You're slow. But for real, you are."
"I know."
"Cocky are we?"
"Nope. Just confident in the love that I feel between us."
"So what are we gonna tell him???"
(sigh) "That, I DON'T know...."
"He loves you."
"I know that, too."
"So he would want you to be happy."
"Of course. With him."
"Dang."
"Yep......Let's just run away together."
"Uh huh. And where are we going?"
"Ummm....away."
"Away where?"
"........Cali."
"That's what you always say. If we WERE to run away, that's the first place he would look."
"True."
"So tell me where you REALLY want to go..."
"I want to go deep inside your heart...."
"You're already there."
"No. I want to go the place inside your heart that's so hidden that only God would be able to find me...."
"Getting poetic on me?"
"No.....getting real."
"Damn. You don't make things easy do you?"
"Anything that's easy to get, probably isn't worth having..."
"And you're definitely worth having."
"Naturally!"
(laughs) "So confident. So intriguing......So worth it."
(silence)
"SO. How are we gonna tell him?"
Summertime
Ok. So I'm reposting part of a previous post....it's the first installment of my short story "Summertime"....hmmm.....i'm not sure exactly how SHORT it's gonna be, but in any case, it will be interesting....
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Family
This past weekend I went home with my sister and her two little girls (her hubby was workin as usual) for my mom's birthday. This has to be the first time that I've gone home and didn't get in an argument with anyone. It's not that we fight a lot. It's more that my parents have certain ideas/expectations of their daughters....and we don't always see eye to eye on them. But this weekend was pretty blissful (except for my sinus headaches). I miss being home. I miss being surrounded by people that I KNOW will always love and support me. I miss being in the safe, comfortable, and LOVING environment that my parents worked so hard to create for me and my sister.
We really have had a good life. I don't think there was ever a need that my parents didn't provide....or even a want that they didn't spoil us with. Yeah, my sister and I (and my nieces) are a tad spoiled. Don't get me wrong, we never got anything outrageous (we didn't ask)......But I suppose that's because my parents never emphasized expensive things. They always taught us to be well-dressed (doesn't necessarily mean glamorous or over-indulgent), well behaved, and to have good manners. But more than anything, they emphasized the importance of loving yourself and others, having high moral standards, and being respectful.
My mother is the sweetest person I know. Yeah, everyone says that about their mom, but I haven't met a person yet who doesn't agree with me. And I doubt if I ever will. She gives of herself to anyone who needs help; regardless of her own needs. If I grow up to be a FOURTH of the woman she is, I'll be a great person. She's the one who taught me and my sister compassion, unconditional love, and the value of hard work. She's just such a gentle and loving person. (sigh) I miss being near her everyday. It's always hard on me and my sister when we have to leave her again.....
My dad taught us everything my mom did, but he really emphasizes respect and hard work. My dad is a pastor so public appearance and behavior is important. I can honestly say that my dad behaves the same in public as he does at home: with intelligence, humor, and a nice amount of seriousness (I know there's another adjective that I could use instead of "seriousness" but I can't think of it). I love my daddy. I'm his namesake (no, his name isn't Michelle, it's Michael) and maybe that's why I have a good bit of his qualities. My dad didn't have the easiest childhood, but you really can't tell by looking at the man that he has become. He and I butt heads at times, but it's only because he really wants the best for me. A lot little girls want to marry someone who's just like their dad. I'm not sure that I want to marry someone exactly like my dad (that would be creepy), but maybe someone who embodies the same amount of love, strength, and dedication as my dad......
....Anyway, as soon as I pulled out of my parents' driveway, my sister whispered, "I miss my mommy." She's 26. And I've never heard her sound as innocent as she did at that moment in all of my 19 years of knowing her. I looked at her in the rearview (she was in the back with the kids) and said, "Me too." Then she said "I'm glad we have each other." I nodded. I'd been thinking the exact same thing. The next time I looked in the rearview she was crying. She quickly dried them up though. We're strong girls. Crying is accepted, but we don't do it too often. If only she knew how often I thanked God for her and teaared up at the idea of her not being here. I love and admire my big sister so much. We used to fight a lot when we were younger....not just arguing, but actual physical fights. And my parents would constantly tell us that we have to love, support, and help each other because if something were to happen to them, we would only have each other. I listened to them, but it was one of those instances where that information got pushed to the back of my list of things to do. But it happened anyway. My sister and I have been known to finish each other's sentences, look at each other and laugh when someone does something stupid, and just call each other silly names. She's my friend. Just because she's my sister doesn't mean that she has to be my friend...I know plenty of siblings who have little to no contact with each other.....I cherish my relationship with my sister so much.
I haven't even touched on my Granny or my nieces...I guess I'll do that at a later date. But I did come to a conclusion after my weekend home: I can't move too far away. I hate leaving my parents and they're only two hours away....what in the world would I do if I were across the country??
We really have had a good life. I don't think there was ever a need that my parents didn't provide....or even a want that they didn't spoil us with. Yeah, my sister and I (and my nieces) are a tad spoiled. Don't get me wrong, we never got anything outrageous (we didn't ask)......But I suppose that's because my parents never emphasized expensive things. They always taught us to be well-dressed (doesn't necessarily mean glamorous or over-indulgent), well behaved, and to have good manners. But more than anything, they emphasized the importance of loving yourself and others, having high moral standards, and being respectful.
My mother is the sweetest person I know. Yeah, everyone says that about their mom, but I haven't met a person yet who doesn't agree with me. And I doubt if I ever will. She gives of herself to anyone who needs help; regardless of her own needs. If I grow up to be a FOURTH of the woman she is, I'll be a great person. She's the one who taught me and my sister compassion, unconditional love, and the value of hard work. She's just such a gentle and loving person. (sigh) I miss being near her everyday. It's always hard on me and my sister when we have to leave her again.....
My dad taught us everything my mom did, but he really emphasizes respect and hard work. My dad is a pastor so public appearance and behavior is important. I can honestly say that my dad behaves the same in public as he does at home: with intelligence, humor, and a nice amount of seriousness (I know there's another adjective that I could use instead of "seriousness" but I can't think of it). I love my daddy. I'm his namesake (no, his name isn't Michelle, it's Michael) and maybe that's why I have a good bit of his qualities. My dad didn't have the easiest childhood, but you really can't tell by looking at the man that he has become. He and I butt heads at times, but it's only because he really wants the best for me. A lot little girls want to marry someone who's just like their dad. I'm not sure that I want to marry someone exactly like my dad (that would be creepy), but maybe someone who embodies the same amount of love, strength, and dedication as my dad......
....Anyway, as soon as I pulled out of my parents' driveway, my sister whispered, "I miss my mommy." She's 26. And I've never heard her sound as innocent as she did at that moment in all of my 19 years of knowing her. I looked at her in the rearview (she was in the back with the kids) and said, "Me too." Then she said "I'm glad we have each other." I nodded. I'd been thinking the exact same thing. The next time I looked in the rearview she was crying. She quickly dried them up though. We're strong girls. Crying is accepted, but we don't do it too often. If only she knew how often I thanked God for her and teaared up at the idea of her not being here. I love and admire my big sister so much. We used to fight a lot when we were younger....not just arguing, but actual physical fights. And my parents would constantly tell us that we have to love, support, and help each other because if something were to happen to them, we would only have each other. I listened to them, but it was one of those instances where that information got pushed to the back of my list of things to do. But it happened anyway. My sister and I have been known to finish each other's sentences, look at each other and laugh when someone does something stupid, and just call each other silly names. She's my friend. Just because she's my sister doesn't mean that she has to be my friend...I know plenty of siblings who have little to no contact with each other.....I cherish my relationship with my sister so much.
I haven't even touched on my Granny or my nieces...I guess I'll do that at a later date. But I did come to a conclusion after my weekend home: I can't move too far away. I hate leaving my parents and they're only two hours away....what in the world would I do if I were across the country??
Update
It's been awhile since I've blogged, and my creative juices are already out of breath and I haven't really started yet! Anyway, I've decided to take a VERY brief hiatus from most of my friends. Not really a big deal. I just want some time to think about a few situations and the actions I should take in them. (SIGH) I've let so many things go unchecked for so long...like my feelings, how other people treat me, and how I treat other people. I can't do this anymore. Classes begin soon and with my course load, job, and extracurriculars, I'll be lucky if I can sneak in my typical 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night (I know it's not healthy, I'll try to do better). So the last thing I need is for my personal life to continue to be as screwed up as it has been. Some things can't be helped though.......
Like how people treat me. There are two people in particular that I really just want to go away. Seriously, I envision pushing them over a cliff and walking away smiling, dusting my hands off, and mentally patting myself on the back for a job well done! Well, maybe I don't actually want to send them to their deaths, but I do wish they would either put up or shut up so to speak. I mean really, how hard is it to decide whether you want to be in someone's life or not? Especially when you've had months to consider it.....I'm not even sure that I care what the answer is.....maybe that's because the answer is obvious. Hmm....I'm not really tired of waiting (I can be patient when absolutely necessary, you know, like when waiting for Christmas), it's more that I'm tired of the wishy-washiness. Come on people. Be honest with yourselves. Then you can be honest with me. This constant back and forth is not necessary, and it's emotionally draining (I use that phrase a lot...).
Wait, there goes the undecided calling the indecisive wishy-washy. Yep, there are some things going on with me that I can only attribute to a certain amount of wishy-washiness on my part. (sigh) Michelle asserts that it's not wishy-washiness, Mimi is screamin "UH HUH!!!".....The problem is that my feelings won't let me stick to my word. I know that my first decision is the right one; no matter what my feelings are. It's one of those "I'm doing it for the greater good" type of things. And no matter what the other party in this situation feels, they know that I'm right about this. Now we both just have to stick to it. Typically, I don't like moving backwards either, but it may be necessary......but I'm not sure it's possible. UGGH! I know I just reaffirmed my decision, so why am I already trying to find ways to get out of it??? Maybe boundaries should be drawn....NOPE. Crossing boundaries and testing limits is something I'm good at (see one of my previous posts) so that wouldn't work. Maybe this issue will resolve itself.....Don't you just love the land of Delusion that I live in?!
Like how people treat me. There are two people in particular that I really just want to go away. Seriously, I envision pushing them over a cliff and walking away smiling, dusting my hands off, and mentally patting myself on the back for a job well done! Well, maybe I don't actually want to send them to their deaths, but I do wish they would either put up or shut up so to speak. I mean really, how hard is it to decide whether you want to be in someone's life or not? Especially when you've had months to consider it.....I'm not even sure that I care what the answer is.....maybe that's because the answer is obvious. Hmm....I'm not really tired of waiting (I can be patient when absolutely necessary, you know, like when waiting for Christmas), it's more that I'm tired of the wishy-washiness. Come on people. Be honest with yourselves. Then you can be honest with me. This constant back and forth is not necessary, and it's emotionally draining (I use that phrase a lot...).
Wait, there goes the undecided calling the indecisive wishy-washy. Yep, there are some things going on with me that I can only attribute to a certain amount of wishy-washiness on my part. (sigh) Michelle asserts that it's not wishy-washiness, Mimi is screamin "UH HUH!!!".....The problem is that my feelings won't let me stick to my word. I know that my first decision is the right one; no matter what my feelings are. It's one of those "I'm doing it for the greater good" type of things. And no matter what the other party in this situation feels, they know that I'm right about this. Now we both just have to stick to it. Typically, I don't like moving backwards either, but it may be necessary......but I'm not sure it's possible. UGGH! I know I just reaffirmed my decision, so why am I already trying to find ways to get out of it??? Maybe boundaries should be drawn....NOPE. Crossing boundaries and testing limits is something I'm good at (see one of my previous posts) so that wouldn't work. Maybe this issue will resolve itself.....Don't you just love the land of Delusion that I live in?!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Shock.
Can't believe I just did that.
Can't believe it came to that.
I'm in shock.
Never thought it would hurt that much.
Never thought I would FEEL this much.
I hope I sounded braver than I felt.
This is the worst hand I've ever been dealt.
Dramatic? Always.
Overly dramatic? Not this time.
My head hurts.
It's been hurting since I realized what I had to do.
I can't even finish this. Later.
Can't believe it came to that.
I'm in shock.
Never thought it would hurt that much.
Never thought I would FEEL this much.
I hope I sounded braver than I felt.
This is the worst hand I've ever been dealt.
Dramatic? Always.
Overly dramatic? Not this time.
My head hurts.
It's been hurting since I realized what I had to do.
I can't even finish this. Later.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Nothing to worry about
I worry a lot. Too much. And this is starting to feel like a potential regret situation. Not regret that it happened. NEVER that. It's too good to regret. But regret about the consequences of my (past, present, and potential) actions. And I know I'm sounding hypocritical to you.....but it can't be helped. (sigh)I don't know. I don't know if I can live with the repercussions. The question is, which is easier to live with: The repercussions, or wondering what could have been? Hmmm......No comment is necessary.....we know that my mind will change......
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I know!
Well, I've decided that that little dialogue in the last post is the first installment of my story (I guess I can call it a story) "Summertime" . The main characters are Robin and Alex. The concept that's floating around in my mind right now is pretty self-explanatory, so I don't think I really need to set the story up right now..........
UMMMMMMM
Not really sure what to write. It's been a minute since I've written, and I feel like a neglectful parent.....my poor blog. But I really couldn't write anything that felt RIGHT....so I'd rather be neglectful than give my blog less than my best...............Hmmm....I thought that explaining that would free up my mind to actually RELEASE all the emotions, thoughts, and expletives (ha!) that are taking up entirely too much space in there....No such luck though.................................................
"You're the one."
"Word."
"You're slow. But for real, you are."
"I know."
"Cocky are we?"
"Nope. Just confident in the love that I feel between us."
"So what are we gonna tell him???"
(sigh) "That, I DON'T know...."
"He loves you."
"I know that, too."
"So he would want you to be happy."
"Of course. With him."
"Dang."
"Yep......Let's just run away together."
"Uh huh. And where are we going?"
"Ummm....away."
"Away where?"
"........Cali."
"That's what you always say. If we WERE to run away, that's the first place he would look."
"True."
"So tell me where you REALLY want to go..."
"I want to go deep inside your heart...."
"You're already there."
"No. I want to go the place inside your heart that's so hidden that only God would be able to find me...."
"Getting poetic on me?"
"No.....getting real."
"Damn. You don't make things easy do you?"
"Anything that's easy to get, probably isn't worth having..."
"And you're definitely worth having."
"Naturally!"
(laughs) "So confident. So intriguing......So worth it."
(silence)
"SO. How are we gonna tell him?"
I don't really know WHERE that came from.......I'm not even sure what to call it.......is it fact or fiction?.......hmmm.....let's just say it's true-to-life fiction......I like it though.....I think I'll do a little more later.....
"You're the one."
"Word."
"You're slow. But for real, you are."
"I know."
"Cocky are we?"
"Nope. Just confident in the love that I feel between us."
"So what are we gonna tell him???"
(sigh) "That, I DON'T know...."
"He loves you."
"I know that, too."
"So he would want you to be happy."
"Of course. With him."
"Dang."
"Yep......Let's just run away together."
"Uh huh. And where are we going?"
"Ummm....away."
"Away where?"
"........Cali."
"That's what you always say. If we WERE to run away, that's the first place he would look."
"True."
"So tell me where you REALLY want to go..."
"I want to go deep inside your heart...."
"You're already there."
"No. I want to go the place inside your heart that's so hidden that only God would be able to find me...."
"Getting poetic on me?"
"No.....getting real."
"Damn. You don't make things easy do you?"
"Anything that's easy to get, probably isn't worth having..."
"And you're definitely worth having."
"Naturally!"
(laughs) "So confident. So intriguing......So worth it."
(silence)
"SO. How are we gonna tell him?"
I don't really know WHERE that came from.......I'm not even sure what to call it.......is it fact or fiction?.......hmmm.....let's just say it's true-to-life fiction......I like it though.....I think I'll do a little more later.....
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