Damaged Goods

A lot of people know some vague details about my last relationship. But very few know any specifics. Actually, he and I are the only ones who know what really happened...as far as I know. That relationship was one of the most wonderful and traumatic experiences of my life. In Common's "The Light," he says, "I wanna be the one who makes you happiest, and hurts you the most." And that's certainly what my ex was. But before he was my ex, or even my boyfriend, he was my friend. One of my very best. I relied on him in a way that I had never relied on anyone before. I told him everything. Good or bad. And there was a good bit of bad. But he was just this extremely understanding person; I really couldn't help falling for him. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would still become friends with him. That's a given. But the jury is still out as to whether or not I would date him. How our relationship ended has kind of clouded the friendship that we once we had. And that saddens me more than anything. His friendship was just that important to me. And in turn, it has made me fearful.

I have a lot of wonderful friendships with some wonderful guys. And when I say wonderful, I mean wonderful. The type I could take home to my preacher of a daddy and QUICKLY get approval of. The type that I'm confident would blend into my whole life so well that it would be hard to remember how things were if he wasn't there. However, I'm so afraid of giving up a friendship that is pretty special, taking it to the relationship level, then it ending so badly that that good friendship is almost nonexistent. That seriously scares the hell out of me. And maybe it seems like I'm overreacting about my last relationship, but you really don't know everything that went down; everything that was tied into into it. I revisited that relationship today. And it overwhelmed me. All of the joy and pain tied into it.....And no matter how much I thrive off of relationships, and how good I am in them (cus i am good for the most part), I'm still afraid of ruining yet another good friendship. I've come to realize that for right now, I'm damaged goods.